


How Could I Forgive you (When I haven't Forgiven Myself)

by NixQuinnIsRoyalty



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anger, Anxiety, Emetophobia, Ghost TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Suicide, TommyInnit is Not Okay (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit is Violent, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:35:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29112423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NixQuinnIsRoyalty/pseuds/NixQuinnIsRoyalty
Summary: Tommy died in exile, he knew that it didn't lessen the hurt as he began to forget or as others seemed to not care. Then one day his anger boils over. Here's how he got to that point.
Relationships: Captain Puffy & Tommyinnit &Sam |AweSAMdude, Darryl Noveschosch & TommyInnit, Dream SMP Ensemble & TommyInnit, Jschlatt & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Technoblade & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 14
Kudos: 386





	How Could I Forgive you (When I haven't Forgiven Myself)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This Story was inspired by my friend PlaZmaVoiD here on Archive of our Own. They gave me a theory that Tommy has been dead since his exile where Dream blows all of his shit up and he makes that tower. I asked to write it and here is what a day of writing and a day of my beta beating can do.

Tommy wakes up with a start laying on a cold mat. Dream had left him to sleep on it after blowing up Logsted. Tommy couldn’t believe it, did Dream save him…? No. Dream was gone, he made sure of that… He made sure of it before jumping. Dream would’ve saved him with his mod powers before letting him die. So he survived… no he couldn’t have, he remembered… he remembered… He remembered the pain of hitting the ground. He remembered the wind through his hair. He remembered the ground coming up towards him. He remembered spreading his arms as he laughed. He remembered feeling free of Dream, of the manipulations of everyone around him. He felt free… what had gone wrong. He was sure he should be dead, that he should be dead and not alive. What had happened? He stood up wrapping arms around his shaky form. Then it  _ hit _ him. He was a ghost. He was like his brother, he was dead and a ghost.

He should tell someone, Phil, Techno? Maybe Tubbo. He needs to tell someone, right? He should tell Techno. He’s the closest to him, he’s within walking distance. No, he can’t tell anyone. If he tells them, they’d be hurt and blame him for dying. He clutched the only thing of value to him to his chest. Tubbo… Tommy’s Tubbo who hadn’t visited once. No one visited really… Techno would’ve if he hadn’t been so rude and defensive right? It was his own fault for fucking up so much that people didn’t want to visit him. So he made his way off, knowing he couldn’t tell anyone he had died.

By the time he had reached Techno’s place, he discovered one problem: he needed to seem alive, he was transparent, and mobs weren’t interested in him. He was well and truly dead.  _ What was it Ghostbur had… golden apples… weakness pots… Golden apples and weakness potions… What if I ate… golden apples? Would that solidify me… Hopefully, Techno has enough that I can steal and this works _ . Tommy thought. Tommy kept wandering, when he heard sounds of fighting, he stopped dead in his tracks. He blended into his background as he watched his brother be dragged off by Tubbo, Fundy, Quackity, and Ranboo. Tommy’s heart seemingly stopped as he watched Fundy sniff the air and turn back to stare right through him, a look of suspicion clear on his face. The other men called him back to the group continuing their trek back to L’Manberg.

Tommy stayed hidden in the trees until he was sure that they were gone. He went back to his journey to Techno’s house, trudging through the snow, hissing as it burned his legs slightly. Tommy walked in through the door, closing it behind himself. He grabbed the gapples from the chest, his hands shaking as he ate one desperately. His hands were gripping at a pickaxe desperately, as he stole away with the items, and began to make a small room. Anything to piss the older off, and come off as still alive. He carved out a small room, exertion not being an issue for him anymore. The heavy steps of the piglin alerting him to his arrival. Tommy smiled, eating one gapple before loudly ringing the bell to alert Techno of his presence. The loud ‘heh’ and rushing footsteps making him smile widely. The stolen gapples were hidden in his ender chest.

  
  


When Phil and Ghostbur had arrived about a week later, Neither of them could be found commenting on his appearance or the fact he might be dead. Tommy was doing good, but the anger under his skin felt uncomfortable. He needed to pretend to have life left in him, for all of them. He didn’t want them to blame  himself for his death after. It was all his own fault after all. Tommy smiled at the two of them, and gave them a loud greeting. Phil looked at him startled finally. That’s when he found out they actually thought that he did die. Tommy standing in front of him was proof of the contrary. Wilbur’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and anger, for just a moment, before it melted away into the normally absent smile he had, Tommy being offered blue. Tommy didn’t Tell Wilbur about the color yellow that stained his heart and hands.

Months passed with Tommy and Techno living together. Tommy had a few close calls, and worked hard to make a secret oak tree farm, and gathered his own gold. Just to stock up on gapples, if he never told Techno, it was because things were slipping from his memories. Mostly happy things like Phil smiling at him, or Techno ruffling his hair and saying he was proud. Tears pricked at his eyes, burning red hot anger boiling under his skin. It would be so easy to spite them, and he did. He switched sides, joining Tubbo who was willing to feed his new gapple addiction. Eat like a king or something like that.

Then Techno came, Phil and Dream in tow. They weren’t kidding when they said destruction. Their home became a massive pit like the one in Tommy’s stomach. He couldn’t tell them he died. They would blame him…  _ fuck _ . Fuck… FUCK… He needed to get to safety under a ledge. He couldn’t tell them he was dead. The rain was painful and caused him to hiss. Then static filled the air, and everything was blue. He had survived a lightning strike, everyone was yelling around him. All he could feel was static.  _ It was a nice feeling _ , he thought as he ran into cover.

Tommy couldn’t help but feel betrayed and anguished by their actions. Tommy began to weave a flower crown, humming to himself. Hands braiding together the mock oranges, black dahlias, and black roses together. His face falling into its normal frown. Tommy couldn’t understand why he was angry, he just was. If the yellow tears were anything to go by, he lost his ability to feel happy or remember happy things.  _ Funny how different he was from the older brother he once idolized _ , the bitter thought crossed his mind. Tubbo came in, and he listened to him happily stammer on about his plans. If he was wondering why those flowers he didn’t ask.

Tommy could feel the egg underneath his feet, and hear the whispers, its promises of bringing him back. Tommy told Bad the egg wanted him to swear, and that he didn’t hear anything when asked. Bad glared at him bitterly planning to kill him. That was how he knew the man didn’t know at that moment that he was dead. Red crawled up his throat, and he wanted to scream at the two to tell them he was dead. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. Tommy couldn’t help it, when later in the night when he started puking up red goop. A hand was rubbing his back, his older brother rubbing his back. He knew this memory would fade from Wilbur’s mind. It was too sad for the absent-minded ghost.

When Tommy saw Niki next she was pissed. Yelling at him, screaming in righteous indignation maybe. He couldn’t be bothered to care about it. Her anger dwarfed his own, and maybe this is how she vomited it out. Red wasn’t too pleasant he guessed. It was only when she went quiet that he realized he was supposed to fight back, and boy did he. Tubbo had to pull him and Niki apart. If Niki did anything, it was teaching him that she was just as dangerous as Techno if angered. He had ripped out pink strands and stared at them blankly, who was Techno…?

Jack tried to blow him up. He didn’t understand why but it pissed him off. Niki was already in his face asking, wondering why or how he was still alive. He brushed it off to her as him being awesome. Tubbo stared in horror believing that he almost killed his best friend. Jack marching over, eyes narrowed at the ghost. Tommy smiled he could almost feel the red dripping out of his mouth as he punched Jack. It felt nice to get the red out from under his skin. Maybe this is why… this was why… that was why… Phil…? Who is he? Who was Phil..? The ghost felt a nagging at him that the name was important but he couldn’t place how.

Ranboo stood in front of Tommy, Having shown the boy for the 8th time his power. Tommy felt his chest puff up in pride. Yellow hands running through his hair making it appear brighter as he put a smile on his face. Ranboo laughed at his yellow-stained hands and made a joke about him dying his hair that blonde. If only he knew where the dye actually came from. A crimson eye looking at him made his stomach twist and his mood sour. Ranboo felt anguished, as who he thought of as a friend suddenly was belittling him.

Techno appeared in Snowchester, his face twisted into a smile. He told Tommy that Wilbur was revived and that he wanted to try… to try to be on good terms with the boy. When all he got was a blank look he flinched away. Any excitement he had died down. Tommy couldn’t bring himself to care as the man rambled about the revival of Wilbur going well. Dream… no, a god had done it. It doesn’t matter who did it frankly. Wilbur was alive and happy… but he didn’t know who that was.

Red coated the floor of his room, and he shook badly trying desperately to keep down a golden apple. Tommy needed to seem alive. They would blame him for him dying after all. Tommy tried desperately to pull himself together. The world falling apart in his hands, red and yellow mixing to create a beautiful orange color coating the floor. He knew his memories were fading, and fast but he couldn’t stop them. Tubbo’s looks of questioning when he didn’t know things made him angry. It crawled under his skin and made him want to sob out apologies to the boy. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t bring himself to try to make the desire seem reasonable. 

One day a man in a green and white striped bucket hat came to beg him to come home with him. To Tubbo, Wilbur, Techno, and Ranboo. He fought verbally with the man, the names bringing the anguish of betrayal to his mind. He had no clue who those people were . Why should he live with them? His life was in the orange coated room that he often finds himself wandering in. Dreams of what he thought could be his past flashing behind eyelids. Sleeping was a nice thing to do while he let red and yellow turn everything around him orange.

Tommy visited a man in prison at the insistence of Fundy. The man claiming to be his nephew. But who cares about family when you don’t have one. The man in front of him looked broken and disheveled. Tommy only pointed out the bastard would look good in orange over the bright green he was already donning. The man punching him, making an effort to be angry was nice until he was dragged out. Maybe he should visit and rile up the man more. It would be fun and a nice way to get rid of the all-consuming red. 

When he saw George he felt deep-seated panic as the man seemed to stare through him. He didn’t know why. Did the man know he was dead? He couldn’t fucking know Tommy was dead. He was so fucking careful to pretend to be alive. The gapples seemingly being all he needed for the illusion of life, but he knew better as crimson red hot pain sparked through his head. Why did everyone have to be smarter than him? He hated the feeling of being looked through. He continued walking anyways.

Tommy was talking with Eret. Although talking wasn’t a good descriptor for it, Eret was rambling on about plans for expanding his museum and how Tommy could help him. Tommy didn’t know why Eret thought he could be a help. He was as useless as when he was alive if not more. Orange, red, and yellow being the only things he could reasonably provide. Then if he had punched Eret to get the smile off of her face? Tommy didn’t care to know. He just knew the crimson in his gut twisted painfully at that moment.

Tommy knew he wasn’t all that bright. But he also knew that people were planning something. They’d been planning it since late March, and were secretive around him. He saw faces he thought for a second he should know rushing around and avoiding him. The idea made his stomach boil. He couldn’t imagine what they were planning for him, and how horrible it would be. Were they going to dump water and snow on him? He didn’t know but it was hard to ignore the feeling that something in April was important to him.

One day Tommy dropped his compass. It had long been since it was completely covered in orange and no matter how much he scrubbed it wouldn’t come out. He couldn’t shake the idea that it was important. Hands forced it back into his fiery eyes of an arsonist met his own. The world went red as he punched the arsonist in front of him. Maybe he was being cruel, maybe the violence was justified. He didn’t care. He just wanted to see someone else puke up crimson and he did. Wandering off he smiled, even if just for a second.

Tommy was forgetting more and more. People were beginning to notice. He put up his front even more. They cannot know he had died. They will hurt him if they knew he died. They’d blame him for taking the alive version of him away. Not that the two of them weren’t basically the same thing already. Hollow shells of a boy who had grown up way too young and way too fast. And yet he'd died so much quicker than he grew up.

Tommy wandered after the orange-haired fox boy. He asked Tommy specifically to follow him. Tommy didn’t want to go, but he walked behind the fox anyways. A group of people jumping up, and shouting surprise at him. Something about a birthday they said. He didn’t know what a birthday was and guessed it only mattered to them. A man in a yellow sweater tried to talk to him. Tommy greeted him with his fist, sight becoming a nice shade of crimson, yellow blooming on his face. Tommy left whatever they were celebrating. He had a room to paint orange.

  
  


Tommy wasn’t sure about his name anymore. He didn’t know if it was Tommy… a nagging feeling told him it was Theseus. He told others to start calling him Theseus and they gasped at the sudden name change. They respected it though. Which he thought was good, or it would have been, if it didn’t piss him off to no end.

Tommy gripped as a golden apple… why wasn’t there a shorter name for the fuckers that burned his throat, and made him solidify. He honestly didn’t know why he ate them. No one was around him after all. No one, who cared or pretended to care, about him anyways. Tommy pretended he was alive, even if it didn’t make sense to him. 

A brunette boy with bee pins on his clothing bounded up to him babbling excitedly to him. Theseus listened to him, he figured it’d help keep the illusion up, the one that he was alive. He didn't care about what the boy was saying. What did it matter anyway?

The tallest person on the server one day came to visit him in his orange painted room. He stood in the doorway shaking and not getting close to Theseus. Then when a hand goes to pet his hair, Theseus feels no remorse about snapping the person’s wrist and sending them off crying. He was allowed to be alone and he was allowed to be angry. Right…?

Theseus was wandering the forest one day, standing under the leaves and branches of the tree. Sometimes the rainwater would make it down and he’d let out a hiss, but what did it matter? The rain was just nature gifting them water. Theseus smiled as red began to run out of his lips and drip onto the ground. The red is comforting to him. He saw the yellow mixing with it. He thinks it is a pretty sight. If anyone was watching, they didn’t comment on his strange behavior for an alive person.

Theseus’s arms being grabbed led him to start fighting against the assailant. He struggled, kicked, and bit at the person. Green, pink, and brown eyes staring at him in pity. They mentioned going to the prison. They couldn’t fucking lock him up. Sam wouldn’t let them. He wouldn’t fucking let them. He wouldn’t let them…

The prison made him shiver like he wasn’t supposed to be here. Like something is wrong here. Theseus hated the prison, he always hated it. He couldn’t dye it orange as he did with everything else. The lava at least was orange. That was a small comfort as he watched the lava disappear he grew red, face flushing as he tried to fight against them once again. Hands pulling him leading him into someone’s cell. Every person on the server was there… was this everyone? Theseus didn’t know or care to count.

The group of people began to yell at him, screaming demanding answers that he didn’t want… couldn’t give. Hands finding their ways to his ears. They grabbed at his arms pulling them, screaming that they knew he wasn’t okay, and that he needed to talk to them. They insisted he was their friend. Was that true, if it was why couldn’t he remember any of the faces that stared at him, any of the voices screaming at him. When did their names become simple descriptions of them? asked someone. The pig king? He thought distantly. Then someone- maybe it was pink hair- screamed at him, asking to know how he had survived so many deadly situations. Theseus found his voice again.

“I didn’t survive,” He whispers crimson crawling up his throat tearing it apart. 

Memories started bursting through, showing him what everyone had done to him. He wasn’t Theseus, he was Tommy fucking innit and he had died 8 months ago. 

A hush fell over the group as pale blue eyes looked up at them, ashen skin and hair duller than they’d ever seen it. He looked like a ghost of himself in their minds, but they couldn’t believe the rambunctious teen was dead. Tommy’s eyes looked over every stricken face. Crimson crawling up the sides of his face and down his arms. 

Tommy shook as he stared at them words bubbling up out of his mouth crimson coated, “I didn’t survive. I died 8 fucking months ago alone by jumping off a fucking sky high tower. Because you all let wars control you guys, and rule over this fucking server! I got tired of being alone with the one man you guys couldn’t fucking dare to stand up to! I WAS SIXTEEN WHEN I DIED. I WAS SIX-FUCKING-TEEN,” He stopped for a second looking over everyone’s faces again, “I DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE BUT GUESS WHAT I FELT LIKE IT WAS THE ONLY THING I COULD DO TO WITHDRAW MYSELF FROM THE WARS YOU ALL CREATED. I WAS SICK AND TIRED, YOU GUYS TRIED TO FUCKING DRAG ME INTO MORE WARS. THE GODDAMN EGG WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO SOME OF YOU GUYS THAN HAVING NORMAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER. TECHNO, YOU FAILED TO REALIZE HOW MUCH MY HOME, THE HOME I DIED TWICE FOR, MEANT TO ME. PHIL, YOU ARE A SHIT FUCKING DAD. CARING ONLY ABOUT WHAT WILBUR AND I WERE DOING WHEN WILBUR WENT OFF OF THE FUCKING DEEP END. NONE OF YOU CARED TO NOTICE ME TO NOTICE THAT I WAS FUCKING DEAD. WHY WAS IT THAT WILBUR WAS GIVEN LIFE AGAIN? HE WASN’T A GOOD PERSON. HE KILLED SO MANY OF US. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE A HERO BUT YOU GUYS MADE ME INTO ONE. I DO NOT WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT YOU ALL HAVE. YOU WANT ANSWERS? THE ANSWER IS I DIED BECAUSE ALL OF YOU GUYS ARE SO SELF ABSORBED THAT  _ I _ CAN NOTICE IT. It hurts. It hurt me to be dead, and I was so fucking scared of what you guys would do to me if you knew that I had died. That isn’t a normal response to dying, is it? Deciding to not tell people you consider close that you’re fucking a ghost. What about Tubbo, guys, why do you treat him with so much respect? He’s only a few months older than me and you treat him like a fucking leader? And of what? A nation thats just going to involve itself in more wars?”   
  
Tommy began choking on tears as he looked up at the group. Phil and Techno stepped forward, hands out, their movements slow, “Do not dare to think I will let you touch me. You want to know what Dream did to me in exile, he ruined me every goddamn fucking day, he would make me give up any semblance of progress. He would blow it all up! He would take anything I put work into and get rid of it. You thought I was irrational for being angry at him? Guess fucking what, guess fucking what! It hurts like hell to have my feelings diminished by the people I am supposed to care about. The only two people who cared to ask me if I was dead directly, were Puffy and Sam.”   
  
Dream sighed and walked forward, and he offered to revive Tommy. He declined as he felt Puffy rest her hand on his shoulder, “I am not the one who fucked up all of you guys decided to play war as if we aren’t young, as if we should all be in control. If being alive means being in wars, then I don’t want life.”   
  
Tommy took his place next to Puffy, as she led him out, his anger being drained as it faded to a soft yellow, hands dripping red. An absent smile finding its way onto his face he felt happy to be with his new friend Puffy. Her hand resting on his shoulder. Sam smiled as he left the others in the prison cell, Tommy didn’t know who they were but if he didn’t he guess it wasn’t a happy memory.

_ Theseus walked up to the puffy haired captain slowly eating a golden apple hunger gnawing at his stomach. The woman looked at him concerned when she asked if he had died. He couldn’t lie to her, she was too nice to him. So he told her, sobs ripping from his throat, 1 month into him dying was the first time he saw Puffy, and was the first time someone cared enough to ask if he was alive. It was only a few days later that Sam had asked the same question and his heart swelled. _

The funeral for the ghost was held a few days later, Schlatt and Wilbur shuddered knowing what death was like their hearts going out for the kid who was too young. Phil refused to leave the casket sobbing as Techno kneeled next to his old friend, tears pricking in his own eyes. Niki and Jack knew they had fucked up. They blamed a kid for all their problems, when the solution was simply everyone deciding that war wasn’t needed. Even Dream attended, holding lilies close to his chest, tears streaming down his face. The others could tell that he was a shell of what he used to be.

They were shocked when months later his grave was surrounded by lilacs, yellow roses, marigolds, and Rhododendron. They simply said nothing and went to building a united home, the only people missing Tommy being Sam, and Puffy. It wasn’t too odd for them though, forgiveness being too much for them to ask from the dead boy.

No one noticed a boy with bright blonde hair standing between the two hybrids, or at least if they did, they didn’t care enough  to mention it to anyone else.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so yeah I wrote this!! I also kinda voiced the ending speech not fully I didn't do an actual voice so much as emotions?? If wanted to I can edit it and put it here in the endnotes.


End file.
